Late last week the Supreme Executive Committee met for their annual retreat at a secure, undisclosed coffee shop. Over 24 hours, Scott and Tim drank coffee, discussed saints, argued in a Biblical fashion over which one of them was “the greatest,” and then drank more coffee. As befitting any church conference there was worship, plenary sessions, break-0ut groups, and easels with newsprint. Unlike your average church gathering, the coffee was outstanding. Because the SEC is composed of insufferable coffee snobs.
The major focus of this annual event is the discernment of the following year’s bracket. This year was no exception and the SEC is pleased to announce that, while it was touch and go for awhile, there will indeed be a Lent Madness 2017. Scott and Tim sifted through 456 separate saintly nominations submitted by 637 people in order to whittle the field down to 32 saints. How did it go? All we can report for now is that Scott and Tim came to blows several times and that the official bracket will be released on All Brackets’ Day, November 3.
There was also, apparently, a mole as photo documentation has been released highlighting some of what took place during this secretive session. This security breach means that the Lent Madness faithful have been given a unique glimpse into the inner workings of the SEC. Scott and Tim, naturally, blame each other for this dangerous situation.
Make Lent Great Again
Everyone knows that purple is made by combining red and blue. So as far as we’re concerned, whether you’re in a red state or a blue state, you’ve got to be filled with Purple Fever. Like everyone else, we’ve been watching the Republican party’s convention this week, and we’ve learned a few lessons. Don’t worry, we’ll be watching the Democrats too, and we’ll be sharing what we learn from them.
If nothing else, The Donald has mad showman skillz that even two publicity hounds like the Supreme Executive Committee can respect. So we watched and learned. Here’s how we think we can make Lent great again.
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE LENT GREAT AGAIN
1. Fasting?! Forget it. Real Christians feast. All. The. Time.
2. Confession. Let’s face it. It’s no fun to confess privately. If you’re going to describe your sins, get a reality show and do it on the air.
3. Gambling. Forget that Wednesday evening book group. You can do better. You might not be able to set up a
TrumpLent Casino at your church, but you can at least do bingo instead of books.4. Sermons. Tell your priest to stop working so hard on carefully nuanced essays. Sermons need to be filled with an endless succession of bumper-sticker sayings that may or may not tie together. An example. “Jesus went into the wilderness. It was the greatest wilderness. It had angels. They gave him bread. It was Wonder Bread, because that is the most American kind of bread. Jesus was the greatest. Make Lent great again.”
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