Everyone knows that purple is made by combining red and blue. So as far as we’re concerned, whether you’re in a red state or a blue state, you’ve got to be filled with Purple Fever. Like everyone else, we’ve been watching the Republican party’s convention this week, and we’ve learned a few lessons. Don’t worry, we’ll be watching the Democrats too, and we’ll be sharing what we learn from them.
If nothing else, The Donald has mad showman skillz that even two publicity hounds like the Supreme Executive Committee can respect. So we watched and learned. Here’s how we think we can make Lent great again.
TOP TEN WAYS TO MAKE LENT GREAT AGAIN
1. Fasting?! Forget it. Real Christians feast. All. The. Time.
2. Confession. Let’s face it. It’s no fun to confess privately. If you’re going to describe your sins, get a reality show and do it on the air.
3. Gambling. Forget that Wednesday evening book group. You can do better. You might not be able to set up a Trump Lent Casino at your church, but you can at least do bingo instead of books.
4. Sermons. Tell your priest to stop working so hard on carefully nuanced essays. Sermons need to be filled with an endless succession of bumper-sticker sayings that may or may not tie together. An example. “Jesus went into the wilderness. It was the greatest wilderness. It had angels. They gave him bread. It was Wonder Bread, because that is the most American kind of bread. Jesus was the greatest. Make Lent great again.”
5. Sermons II. Actually, now that we think about it. Why work on sermons at all? Tell your priest to figure out what the Obama’s minister has been preaching and just copy that.
6. Repentance. Don’t do it. If you repent, you’re admitting you made a mistake. Mistakes are for the weak.
7. Ash Wednesday? Boring. Bling Wednesday is much better.
8. Austerity. Never. Make your church look like Versailles. The more gold, the better.
9. Prayer. Refer to anyone who disagrees with you as “the enemy.”
10. Music. Fie on “40 Days and 40 Nights.” Too depressing. Go upbeat! We suggest “We are the Champions (of Lent).”
Look for us to emerge from behind a cloud of incense in a mere 223 days!
P.S. If you think we shouldn’t be joking about politics, here’s the deal. We poke fun at ourselves and the church, because we want people to take themselves less seriously and to take Jesus more seriously. Likewise, we’re having some fun at the Republicans’ expense, and soon enough the Democrats’, as a way of inviting engagement and thought with the political process. Plus sometimes you either have to laugh or cry. Remember Lent Madness is optional.
Shouldn’t is be a purple hat?
YES- that one slipped right by me. it most definitely should be a purple hat!
A plan would be to have a blue hat for the dems and after their convention combine both into a purple hat. You know bring us together.
Purple, yellow, whatever, it would still be a “Donald” hat! How about a purple beret?
It is optional and I wouldn’t miss it for the world! The first time I have laughed, rather than cried, since Monday night. Bless you both. 🙂
Totally it needs to be a purple hat Adelaide.
I think you gentlemen have the Donald Speak down. Now I’m going to erase it from my memory so I’may not thinking about it when I proclaim the Gospel on Sunday.
Best post EVER! Made me laugh at work…
I look forward to your satirical take on the Democratic convention. Satirizing the Republican convention is just too easy.
Satirizing the Republican convention is not easy. It’s almost impossible to tell satire from straight reporting with them.
You guys just get better and better! Thanks for putting a big fat smile on my face! Looking forward to your take on the Democrats. If we can’t laugh at ourselves, we’re in real trouble!
Me too!!
I’m cheering you on with my giant (imaginary) Lent Madness foam finger and my (equally imaginary) purple Vuvuzela!
These are excellent suggestions, and I will surely try to incorporate the sermon tips this week-end. The gospel is about persistence. Persistence is for winners! Knock until they make the best deal for you! Don’t just ask – demand!
Y’all have overstepped your boundaries again…..you have no shame. Good for you. However, I need help with my pledge so you must help me hit the jackpot. If you don’t I’m going to forward this column to all the Cof C folk here at the Home and they’re going to collectively consign you to you-know-where soon-soon-soon! As the inimitable Duke said after each concert: “Love you madly!” SEC forever!
That was TOO FUNNY – even for a Canuck way up north in the hinterlands who has no tangible stake in the election. Of course I won’t enjoy the concrete wall at the 49th parallel because I do like to drop by NYC and Seattle every so often, so as long as the Episcopal Church doesn’t take that tip from The Donald, then we Anglicans can rest easy.
Im voting my conscience here – – I’m not lyin'(you may wish to check for plagiarism) but I’m I’m going to lock up all my clever repartee behind a great wall and you’ll pay for it – unless you continue to make Lent GREAT (else you’ll be fired!) actually, I don’t know what will happen – but it will be interesting
That I can tell you! –
Perfect!
I am really afraid that our priest is going to advertise giving a sermon where he endorses Lent Madness but then refuses to follow through on the endorsement. Would it be a sin if our congregation boos him?
Like
Love the Lent Casino!
Can we get the hat in the Lentorium? PLEEEEEASE?
Yes, please! And in purple.
purple? Na. I vote yellow because it’s a happy color.
I love it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Enough Said
These dog days of summer and the aimless rhetoric of a bad political campaign are taking their toll. Going back to arctic Norway looks pretty good; get away from the heat and disconnect, read some books, fish, and avoid the mess. One can understand why people in the middle ages found peace by getting away. Open a Monastery in a remote location with a few amenities and perhaps the next big deal. If you have 50 acres out in the boondocks, think about it.
Yes!Lithophyte
Love the parody. Only cavil: you neglected to work in the word “yuge.”
Superb~ so looking forward to the Dem. take next!! Thanks for the fun!
Sorry, I for one didn’t appreciate yourcomments.
Can we buy the hat in the Lentorium???
This is THE ONLY good thing to come from the horror show that is the Repub Convention. Thank you! Keep up the great and uplifting work – our collective sanity depends on it!
Most definitely need a purple hat !
I’ve been so depressed this week with the events in Cleveland. Thank you for lifting my spirits and making the world brighter.
Isn’t Great Lent an Eastern Orthodox season?
I love it, but yes I agree with the others that the hat needs to be purple. And I bet if you offer them you won’t be able to keep them in stock. Keep up the good work, I always look forward to the Lenten foolishness. God’s peace and keep it up.
Oh, I so needed this post! Thank you for bringing me some laughter today. And, yes, make that hat purple, and I will buy one!
How about color the hat red on the right, blue on the left, and transition to purple in the front- moving toward unity in the Lenten way. We can overcome
Purple is the Via Media – The Episcopal Way
Great post. I needed the laugh! Bring on the purple!
I’m joining the chorus- we want purple hats! Stock the Lentorium. They’ll be “YUGE!!!”
Maybe we should refer to the 12 disciples as the 12 apprentices. after all, one of them did get fired–kind of. (I’m cringing a little here–waiting for that lightning bolt. It would be huge!)
Thank you. You DID inject humor into an awful time.
So funny! Thank you, I needed some levity – and the reminder that Jesus is what we should take the most seriously in our life.
Oy vey. I thought I belonged to a church that forgives….father Tim. What’s up?? Your humor, I know. Thank you.
Many, Many yuge thanks. Loyal Clevelander that I am, I left town this week to mourn for the formerly Grand Old Party.
LeBron….where were you when we needed you to dunk The Donald at the Q?!
It’s much more hilarious if one is a Democrat. I hope you can be as satirical about Hillary and company, but I do wonder if you will be. There used to be a joke that the Episcopal Church was the Republican party on its knees. I guess now it is the Democrat party on its knees.
We are fortunate to be able to poke fun at ourselves and our institutions, ecclesiastical or political. There are places in this world where doing so would land one in prison. And we need to keep laughing at ourselves and with ourselves. We have the ballot box in which to voice our approval or disapproval.
Thanks for making me laugh today.
Wonderful! Inspired?! Keep it up!
I’m paying for miracle in November. An Immaculate Election?
I keep being reminded of why I’m so glad I found you. Am calling the friend who led me to you to thank her again. I am looking forward to next week.
(Yes, the hat needs to be purple. More importantly, the hat needs to be made in the USA under fair labor conditions. Just sayin’.)
You mean the hat ISN’T in the Lentorium??
Thank you for the yuge laugh today!
Laughter is indeed the best medicine! Thank you for bringing light into the darkness of the last few days.
Sign me up for a purple hat.
Thanks for bringing the light of laughter into the darkness of the last few days.
Sign me up for a purple hat
Christ’s voice cries in empty halls
Christians pledge to build great walls
Walls so high they keep them out
Walls so dense they keep us in
To make great noise about our greatness
To keep us from seeing the greatest sin
That it was all about us.
Beautifully said, Jeff.
Thanks! I needed a laugh especially after the truth coming out about the DNS emails against Sen. Sanders. At least we have a true ruler and guide in Our Lord! Just don’t know yet what I will do in November.
Thank you as always for your wicked amazing humor, & for having the courage to engage with a political choice with such divergent consequences for students, teachers, people of color, refugees, rape survivors, disabled people, LGBTQIA people, elders, & working people